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STILLBIRTH SUPPORT

Supporting sibings through loss...

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The importance of supporting siblings through the loss of a baby sibling

I know for me when Josiah was born, I went through a tornado of emotions given the fact that I was technically a big sister which was something I wanted more than anything in the world! But, I knew our time together wasn’t going to last long and that hurt me at the time. Being 13 years old and dealing with all these emotions on top of whatever hormones are raging through my body at that age took a toll on me and my mental state. There needs to be better bedside bereavement resources for siblings but definitely older siblings. They understand way death and loss more than younger children and need counseling and help to get through this difficult time in their life.

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When a baby is born sleeping or a family deals with a miscarriage it doesn’t just affect the parents, it also has a profound impact on the sibling(s) as well. A lot of the time the sibling(s) may get overlooked because they are not vocal about their grief or everyone is focused on the parents. They’re known as the “forgotten mourners” according to Alan. D Wolfelt, Ph.D article (2011) Helping the Family Heal After a Stillbirth. On top of that According to Brent D. A., Moritz G., Bridge J., Perper J., Cannobio R. (1996). The impact of adolescent suicide on siblings and parents: A longitudinal follow-up. Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior, 26(3), 253–259 10.1111/j.1943-278X.1996.tb00610 [PubMed] [Google Scholar]. So how are we as bereaved sibling advocates able to help through this process? We can do so by:

 

  • recognizing and acknowledging their grief 

  • keep the baby in family traditions to keep their memory alive 

  • If they don’t understand what actually happened, sit down and have an age appropriate conversation with them. 

 

Nine times out of ten, you might not even know the child/teen is grieving. Same as the parents...they can have good days and bad days, and that impacts the child. I know for me, I could be having a great day and something would remind me of my brother and my day would be completely ruined. Grief is a spectrum. There is no right or wrong way to grieve but how you address it is the most important. It is important to not compare how you feel and rely on the people around you for help. Often, I wouldn’t tell things to my parents because I didn’t want to overwhelm them since they were already dealing with so much. I realized later on what helped my mom through her grief was me remembering that she still had another child that needed her (now I know that doesn't make me selfish or inconsiderate and I wish I would’ve expressed certain things to them when it was happening)."

 

According to the Alan. D Wolfelt, Ph.D article (2011) Helping the Family Heal After a Stillbirth, siblings may indirectly express their grief.  They may show some regressive behaviors, like wanting to sleep with mom and dad, clinging to parents more often, or asking to be taken care of in ways they were when they were younger.  They may also display sadness, anger, or anxiety through behaviors such as irritability, blame, distractibility, decreased motivation at school, and disorganization.

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Grieving siblings need adults to be open and honest with them about the passing They need to know that it is okay to talk about the baby by name and about the baby’s passing.  They need to be reassured that their grief is important too. They need their unique thoughts and feelings acknowledged by others.

 

I know for me when Josiah was born, I went through a tornado of emotions given the fact that I was technically a big sister which was something I wanted more than anything in the world! But, I knew our time together wasn’t going to last long and that hurt me at the time. Being 13 years old and dealing with all these emotions on top of whatever hormones are raging through my body at that age took a toll on me and my mental state. There needs to be better bedside bereavement resources for siblings but definitely older siblings. They understand way death and loss more than younger children and need counseling and help to get through this difficult time in their life. Some of the symptoms I dealt with (TRIGGER WARNING) included:

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  • Suicidal thoughts and actions 

  • Anger 

  • Anxiety 

  • Depression 

  • States of mental fog 

 

During that time in my life I felt like a zombie and I was alone. One of the most common grief symptoms you see for bereaved siblings are being adrift and lonely according to the National Child Traumatic Stress Network. It is my goal as a Three Little Birds Bereaved Sibling Advocate is ensure sure no sibling goes through this process alone and has a shoulder to lean/cry on.

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Activities to Help Keep Bereaved Siblings Involved with Keeping Babies Memory Alive and Supporting Siblings Through Grief: 

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  • One thing my family does is include my brother in our Christmas/Holiday decorations (i.e. tree skirt, ornaments and gifts)

  • Allowing the sibling to create things for their sibling like: bracelets, memory boxes, etc. 

  • Create a memory box for the sibling and include a small bear with their siblings hospital hat, a starter journal, bracelet or necklace and access to a youth therapist

  • Reading, Coloring and Journaling, Reading and coloring helped me feel like I wasn’t in my reality for an hour or two and that’s not to say we shouldn’t face our reality but sometimes we need an escape when it becomes too much. 

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Perinatal grief books for siblings/little loved ones

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Three Little Birds, in working with dozens of families, has seen first hand the lack of support for bereaved siblings, specifically, for teenage children experiencing the loss of a baby brother or sister. We are excited to be joined by Jenaiyah Lewis, a local sibling bereavement advocate who is available for peer matches or support for young adults who are navigating this experience. Below, she shares her experience and some resources that are helpful.

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