The loss of this individual affects not just the parent, but siblings, cousins, aunts/uncles, grandparents and other loved ones. How each of them grieve can have an impact on the overall family’s mourning and choices in parenting (bonding, memory making, photography) and how we initially accept and integrate this experience into our lives Below is an overview of the affects this has on the family and how you can help:

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• Understand their need for privacy - For many families the loss of a pregnancy/baby is the first major life event involving grief or the loss of a loved one. There is no rule book on how to grieve and it is not uncommon for parents grieving the same baby to be on two separate paths in healing. The first few weeks after the loss are a very delicate time involving physical and emotional healing in the postpartum period.

• Check in with parents without expectation of a response - The easiest way to show you care and are there to help is to send a text, email or card that simply says...I"You don't need to respond, but I wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and insert baby's name and am here to help...even if it is just listening. I'll check in on you again soon so you know you're not alone." This allows the parents the grace in not being pressured to respond, provides them your love and support and lets them know that even if you don't hear back from them, you are always thinking about them and they can expect you to check back in. This feels like a huge hug as the weeks go on and it feels like the world is spinning  even though theirs feels like it has stopped.

• Do not let them throw away any of the baby's items or pregnancy momentos - For parents returning home after loss they may not want to see or keep anything related to their pregnancy or the baby. This is normal. Explain to them that while they may feel that way in the current moment, they may not feel this way in the weeks, months or years to come. Offer to hold on to these items for them in the mean time. This way, they don't have the items around, but know they are in safe hands for when they get curious about these items (and they do!)

• Offer tangible/specific help - A common phrase from those feeling helpless in supporting loss is to tell them that you are here for "anything they need" or to "let them know how they can help". But the truth is, grieving parents don't know what they need, let alone have the energy to ask for it without feeling like a burden. Offering specific support is a lot less overwhelming than finding ways for people to support them. For example, offer to deliver dinner on Tuesday for a porch drop off (no pressure for face-to-face interaction) at 5 PM. If Tuesday doesn't work for them, offer to drop off at another convenient time. Another offering could be to take their older children to the park for a few hours so they have some quite time to themselves. You could send "thinking of you" card with a personalized gift, a gift certificate for a massage or for some self-care, or send a gift card to a local restaurant. 

• Recommend to attend a support group with them - For a lot of families the thought of attending a virtual or in-person support group or event can be overwhelming. Offer to attend as a "wing man". Most virtual support groups do not require participants be on camera and in person groups usually allow for a loved one or friend to attend (because you are grieving too!). Have a plan for something enjoyable to look forward to after such as getting ice cream, getting a drink or dinner after or even going shopping. This will give you a pleasurable activity to do to decompress after and have something to look forward to.

• Offer to handle certain "chores" for them - If the family wishes to return gifts to the store or to the gift giver, offer to do it for them or to make notifications/write thank yous. Additionally, if you know the parents have an upcoming baby shower, children's birthday party or holiday coming up, offer to do the shopping for them. There is nothing more defeating than to have to shop for others babies when you are grieving your own. Tell the parents to set a budget and handle the purchase and delivery of the gift for them. This is a HUGE help in the first two years of loss.

• Send cards to the family during holidays and milestone dates - For perinatal loss families, one of our collective biggest fears is that our baby will be forgotten as the years go on. Especially as our extended families continue to grow and we witness traditions continue with out them. A simple card acknowledging these milestones, or including the baby's name in annual holiday cards are easy ways you can continue to support families consistently.

• Make a donation in their memory - Financial or in-kind donations are accepted in memory of babies to support families at hospitals, advocacy organizations or memorial walks mean the world to the parents as it offers for public acknowledgement and validation of their grief and raises awareness that shatters the stigma associated with miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss.

• Offer a sense of normalcy as time goes on - The second biggest loss when experiencing pregnancy and infant loss is the loss of a sense of self/self-identity. We aren't who we used to be (but miss our old selves) and we are navigating a new normal we have not yet figured out. Offer a sense of normalcy by doing something they previously enjoyed (physical activity, social or personal outings, etc) that offer consistency. For example, make an offer to take a nature walk once a week, or to have dinner and drinks once a month where the parent can be themselves. This consistency will give them something to look forward to that feels like their old self while they figure out their new selves.

• Be mindful of your vocabulary - When you don't know what to say, the key is to say less. Perinatal loss families aren't generally looking for advice or guidance. They are simply looking for someone to listen and bear witness to the love and loss they have experienced. There are no answers and there certainly is no fixing it. By listening and offering a shoulder to lean on, you don't need to fill space with platitudes and wordy statements.