No one ever imagines having to make these decisions when your baby’s birth does not go as planned. It is so unfair, and we are so sorry you are here.

 

Bonding and making memories with your baby…

We know it can be overwhelming anticipating the birth of a baby or a baby who has passed away. What is true is: Your baby is beautiful; they matter and deserve to be loved and celebrated. Below are some ways you can make memories and bond with your baby. Remember, there is no right or wrong way, but we do encourage you to spend as much time with your baby as you can. Here are some ideas other families have found meaningful:

 

• Requesting a spiritual sacrament or blessing – Even if babies cannot be baptized, a spiritual blessing can be given to the baby by clergy, a family member or friend or you as the parent yourself. If your specific faith requires death rituals, please be sure to discuss with your care provider so that they can assist in coordinating on your behalf.

• Bathing your baby – You can request the care team to bathe the baby for you (to remove bodily fluids, blood and meconium) or you can bathe the baby as a family. Using a small foot basin, warm water, soap and a washcloth, you can bathe and dry your baby, diaper and lotion them, dress and groom their hair. 

• Bonding with baby/memory making – It is normal to want to hold the baby to your breast/chest or face. In fact, hormonally, our bodies are encouraging that to happen as it does not know the baby has passed away. Skin-to-skin bonding can still occur and has a positive benefit. Dad/non-birthing parent can also hold and bond with the baby similarly. Additionally, families can take hand and footprints and create items to take home.

• Family bonding – Many families use this time privately simply to hold, talk to and cuddle their baby. Additionally, other families open bonding up to siblings, grandparents and other loved ones. Many families dress their baby in outfits, bring gifts/keepsakes, read books or sing lullabies to them. Some families want to take their baby outside in the sunlight, others have expressed them wanting to taste certain things like chocolate or ethnic foods. Some parents want to dance with their babies, and some have even celebrated and mourned their baby with a birthday cake. There is no right or wrong way to create special traditions with your baby.

• Photos and video – It is completely normal to want to capture the time spent making memories. Even if a volunteer photographer is available, we encourage you to take as many photos as possible. You can never take too many.

 

Requesting the gift of Infant Remembrance Portraiture

If a volunteer advocate is available, they will meet you bedside to support your family and care providers through these moments. Please note, even if a volunteer advocate is not available, you can still have these moments and request staff to capture the photographs for you.

 

This gift is provided at no cost to you. When a volunteer bereavement doula is available, we will dispatch them to support you through our Bedside Bereavement Program. If a volunteer is unavailable, we can retouch any photographs taken by medical staff, family or friends (with a signed consent form). What you can expect:

 

• Sessions last generally 30-45 minutes, and the trained photographer will lead you and your family as you make memories together. They will help in posing and creating unique and lasting memories.

• Photos will include a mix of the baby, their special details, photos with parents, siblings, grandparents, other loved ones, as well as images that capture memory making and candid family time.

• You are free to include any personal items, clothing, religious relics or gifts/keepsakes in the photographs.If possible, we can include bathing, grooming and dressing the baby and other special moments.

• Your photographer will also leave you with a card to explain the process to view and download your photos once you are ready through our free online gallery.

• After carefully editing your images and converting them to black and white, a link will be sent to your email to an online Pic-time.com gallery. Here, your images will remain until you are ready to view them.

• There are also options to purchase professional quality prints if you choose.If a volunteer Bereavement Doula is not available, we can retouch any photos taken by the family or medical care team with a signed consent form.

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Frequently asked questions...

What do I do now once I have given birth?

There is no immediate rush to make memories or bond with your baby, though unfortunately, the amount of time you do have is limited. We encourage you to take a few moments to recover since you have just given birth and do what feels right to you. That could be having a meal or taking a nap. Whatever you need.

 

What if I initially said no to meeting/holding my baby?

You have permission to change your mind at any point up until discharge. If you have reconsidered, or would like more time to reconsider, please let your care team know as soon as possible. We highly recommend bonding and memory making take place as close to birth as possible, all families are encouraged to do things in their time frame and be open to changing their minds. Even if you were unable to have these moments in the hospital, your funeral provider can also provide you with time with them prior to their arrangements.

 

What if my partner is not interested in meeting/bonding with the baby?

This, unfortunately, is completely normal. Again, we ask you to give yourself grace and time in considering what is right for your family. Even if you want to see your baby and your partner doesn’t (or vice versa) we encourage you to allow them to make the choices that are meaningful to them. Sometimes, making the decision together is appropriate; sometimes, each parent must make the decision individually. Whatever you decide, we support you.

 

Can we include other family members?

Under most circumstances, yes, family members and loved ones who wish to meet, bond and make memories with the baby can participate. The level or participation among family members will vary based on personal comfortability, but we generally see siblings of the parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles and friends incorporated into these moments. With the parent’s permission, we can provide an individual photo of each loved one with the baby.

 

Should we include our other children in the memory making?

This question is completely valid, and we have supported dozens of families in making this decision. Because each situation and child is unique, we encourage you as their parent to know ultimately if this is a good option for your family. We have, however, had so many positive memory making sessions with children (aged 2-17), where the children are then able to have a better understanding and connection to the memories as they grow and heal. Three Little Birds has a Bereaved Sibling Support Advocate available to discuss options for including little ones in these moments. If, ultimately, you decide having them directly involved is not appropriate, there are still meaningful ways our advocates can include them in the bedside memory making.

 

Do I have to look at the photos right away?

Absolutely not. The photos are provided to you via email. You are given a link to a password protected gallery (similar to a wedding portfolio) on Pic-Time.com. The photos will be available for viewing, download, purchase or sharing for at least one year. Many of our families download them right away, however it takes the majority of our families several months or more to view them. Once they do, they reach out to let us know they are so grateful for them and it helps them remember all of the sweet details of their time together.

 

I am afraid of what my baby will look like or what will happen after birth. How can I prepare?

This feeling is 100% valid. There is no knowing what your baby’s physical appearance will be. What we can tell you is, no matter what, your baby is beautiful and deserves to be loved.

 

The way the baby looks will depend on the gestational age at the time of death and how long it has been since the baby died. It may also depend on the extent of physical problems or abnormalities. Sometimes it is hard to know if the baby is a girl or a boy. The baby may look different to how you imagined, in size, skin condition or features. There may be bruising or skin discoloration, the lips may be dark red in color while the rest of the body is bluish, the skin may have started to break down, and the body will be cool to touch soon after death.

 

Our trained advocates will support you in this process. Because we are grieving, and experiencing something traumatic, our minds like to protect us by assuming the worst-case scenario. When in actuality, all babies, no matter how they present, are human and loveable. You can and will be able to love them no matter what. We are here to help you.

 

What if my parents or older/other loved ones are against memory making/photography?

Their feelings are completely valid and understandable. There is a social stigma surrounding grief. There is an even bigger stigma associated with the loss of a pregnancy or baby still to this day. Decades ago, parents were told to “get over it” and to “move on” as if nothing ever happened. This lack of validation has had a tremendous impact on our community as it is estimated stillbirth and infant loss occur for one in every four families trying to build a family. For many of them, this can be triggering; either because they did not receive validation in their personal experience, or they were not provided opportunities to parent or love their baby.

 

Additionally, there are many cultural/religious stigmas relating to death care rituals relating to babies and how families accept this loss in their life. For example, we have supported a Chinese family through perinatal loss who repeatedly declined the support of bedside memory making, bonding and photography. Once the parent’s family went home for the day, they inquired about having these services and apologized for having declined them all day due to generational and cultural stigmas. The family was then able to privately have the experience they wanted with their baby in a way that made sense for them.

 

It is ok if our loved ones do not understand our desires in these moments, but it is also important to understand that it is not their choice. You are your baby’s parent and you deserve to have the experience you want during this difficult time. You get the final say in your care and it is your decision how privately or publicly you wish to do it. We support your choice, no matter what.