I’m sorry…there is no heartbeat…

Yes, it is as impossible as it sounds. We are so, so sorry. Take a few minutes to just breathe. Chances are you feel like you are in shock. Or that you are numb. Or that you want to cry but physically can’t. Take a few moments to sit and breathe.

 

What’s next? The next few hours may feel really scary…like time is spinning or standing still. Your body is now in fight or flight mode as you are processing the news that your baby has or will pass away. Some have said it feels like an “out of body” experience. Others say they couldn’t feel anything. This is normal.

 

Please remember…

• Be kind to yourself and understand that grief can be overwhelming and confusing. Time can help that fog clear.

• You are free to change your mind about meeting, bonding or making memories with your baby…most families decline when asked during the first few hours of their experience. If it is possible to meet your baby, we encourage you to do so. However, if the thought is overwhelming right now, that is ok too. We understand.

• You can request a change in care providers if you do not feel your physician, nurse or support staff are supportive of your decisions or needs.

• You and your partner may be reacting to the news differently or in unexpected ways. Be patient. You are both experiencing trauma, and no one is equipped with the coping tools to manage or protect you and themselves from what is going on. Give everyone space to breathe.

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Understanding the grief of perinatal loss…

Grief is a multifaceted response to loss that affects the entire person. It includes physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, social and occupational elements. As you navigate your life after loss, you will probably be feeling many things at once. Please know, first and foremost, that the loss of a baby is one of the most traumatic experiences a parent will go through, and the journey to healing is lifelong. Below are some normal grief reactions you and your family may experience:

 

It is not uncommon for loss parents to share that they want to be with their baby without feeling suicidal. However, if you are having suicidal thoughts, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911.

 

• Shock – How is this happening? This can’t be real.

• Denial – This can’t be happening? I know they are wrong.

• Guilt/Blame – How could I let this happen?

• Anger – I am so mad this has happened!

• Anxiety – How can I make sure this never happens again?

• Loss of self-image – Am I still a parent?

• Confusion – How is this all really happening?

• Sadness – My heart is broken because this is happening!

• Isolation – I feel like the only person in the world this is happening to.

 

Your rights as parents…

After giving birth to your baby, you may feel differently as you first did at the proposition of meeting and holding them. This is normal and due to the “love drug” hormone, Oxytocin, which is released from your brain. You may still feel scared or worried to touch or move them. This is ok. First, it is important to know your rights as a parent:

 

There is no legal limit on the time you can spend with your baby. You have the right to see them at any time prior to discharge and if a Cuddle Cot/Caring Cradle/Cooling bed is available, it should be offered to you to help give the gift of time. No one from the care team can dictate if or when the baby leaves your presence or how much time you can spend with them.

 

You can still meet your baby if your partner/family is not on board. Grief is so personal and sensitive. We should still do what is in our hearts even if others do not agree. Please understand too, that their feelings may change throughout the process. We can arrange for bonding and memory making at a time that works for you and with whom you choose. It is not uncommon for one parent to want these memories and another wanting to avoid them.

 

You can hold your baby as much or as little as you want. If you are on board with a meeting and holding your baby, there is nothing wrong with wanting to not put them down. It is also ok if you need breaks. You are this baby’s parent, and you are in charge of the experience and your opportunity to parent your baby.

 

You can bond and make memories in ways that are meaningful to you. You have the right to bathe, groom, dress and parent your baby any way you wish or that feels right to you. Most families have stated that while this is overwhelming in the moments as they are happening, they serve as a positive and helpful memory in their healing postpartum. Families will save washcloths and towels to take home as keepsakes. This is normal.

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Frequently asked questions....

What do I do now?

 

Notify those who need to know. Right now, there is not much else you can do, especially if your experience is being impacted by a medical crisis. We suggest notifying:

 

• Your immediate support system (spouse/partner, childcare providers, immediate family/friends)Your employer (notify HR directly who will then notify your supervisors) A trusted friend to support you through the next few hours…even if they are far away you can still video chat or text but having someone present/bedside can be more beneficial.

• Discuss your options with your birth team. Depending on your personal medical circumstances, there could be a variety of reasons a care provider may recommend one birth option over another. Birth options that might be considerable include D&C/D&E, natural labor or caesarian, though that is only usually used in emergencies. We encourage you to ask your care team the risks of each as it relates to your specific needs.

•  You may be overwhelmed with the barrage of questions from the care team and your own family and friends. Please know, all you have to focus on right now is birthing and meeting your precious baby. If a medical professional is pressuring you into talking about autopsy considerations, burial/cremation options or even pressuring you to make a decision that aren’t necessary until after your baby is born, tell them you would like to wait to discuss those options and would like to focus on birthing your baby.

 

Do I have to meet/hold my baby?

You do not have to do anything you are uncomfortable with. The loss of a pregnancy/baby is one of the most horrific and traumatic life experiences a human can go through. Unfortunately, one in every four families face similar circumstances and are left to navigate a new normal in life while mourning the loss of a much-wanted baby. No one ever imagines having to meet their baby this way. Please know, you do not have to do anything you may not be comfortable doing. Most parents are initially horrified at the thought of holding, loving or bonding with their baby and will say no.

 

But you do have the option of changing your mind. Please understand that you are going to feel many emotions simultaneously and they can often feel conflicting. This is normal. Please know, most of the families we have served have changed their minds after learning about their baby’s death, during labor or after birth. This is to be expected. It is normal to fear what they may look like, but each baby, especially yours, is beautiful and deserves love, dignity and respect. We have never had a parent regret bonding, making memories or having photographs taken of their baby.

 

Your baby is loved. It can be hard to accept and feel love during such a physically and emotionally painful time. Please know, your baby is loved. They matter and we want to help you create special moments with them.

 

What questions should I ask my care team?

We are sure you have a million questions and most of the answers you may be afraid of hearing. This is normal. Below are some things to consider:

 

• Can we have access to the Cuddle Cot? Your hospital may be able to offer you a Cuddle Cot, which is a cooling bed designed for your baby so that they can comfortably be kept bedside immediately after birth all the way through discharge. This special device will allow you time to rest, time for family visits and time for memory making and photography.

• What are some religious/spiritual support options? Your hospital can offer you support through ministers or clergy of all faiths on-call that can support death rituals/sacraments and other support. Let them know if you would potentially like their support, or, if you have a preferred person or house of worship to call, they can be contacted in advance, so someone is available when the time is right.

• Is a volunteer advocate from Three Little Birds available? Your care team has already notified Three Little Birds that you may potentially need support. If you are certain of wanting an advocate bedside to support you through memory making and bonding, please let them know. If you want to confirm that someone has reached out to us, please text 856-656-6436.